From the Beginning - A Cook and Her Kitchen
"Where food was my greatest enemy that has now become my greatest passion"
You are enough
All the colours throughout the year. Look up, breathe it all in and see the beauty in everyday life. Spring has very much arrived here in Cornwall, the place I call home. Windy open cliffs are covered in bright yellow gorse which are very much part of the beautiful wild landscape of Cornwall this time of year. Gorse has delicious coconut-scented flowers, sea pinks appear on the coast framing the cliff edges, and the seaside hedgerows never disappoint. The alexanders are always such a joyful sight when they return and their flowers in shades of yellow and green start reaching for the sky. Days are lighter which gives me new energy to be creative. When not in my kitchen, I am usually found by the sea watching the wonder of the wildlife and listening to the noise of the ocean, comforted by familiar surroundings and not for one minute taking it for granted. Exciting in all seasons, with rich pickings from nature by the seaside. Very much a reason to be cheerful. I am lucky enough to have made a career from what I love to do and the place that I call home.
A Road to Recovery.
I have come a long way from being that frightened, insecure teenage girl that I once was, I was scared of everything. Awkward by nature and shy growing up and uncomfortable in my own skin. Life always felt like hard work. It wasn't because of a difficult childhood. I have wonderful parents and I am 1 of 4 and close to my siblings. My family life was good, a happy home, but I always seemed to get in my way, sabotage not one thing but everything. This is very much the nature of the person I am today, all or nothing. I felt a sense of no control at the age of 15. I felt a huge pressure, pressure from myself to achieve and do well this overwhelmed me and I remember the day I chose to stop eating. Ironically I was good at school, popular, good academically and excelled at sports, so what is with the sense of not doing well enough.
Choices.
I remember the queue I was standing in at school when I made that choice: the smell of the kitchen canteen, the strip lighting, the high pitch noises of school life. It was Spring the months before I sat GCSE exams, the Summer loomed and I felt like I could not breathe. I was surrounded by friends, we were laughing and having fun, I looked and seemed happy but inside I was screaming for everything to stop. I was so scared of failing. That day I chose to control what I ate, that day changed my life. That was the day I started my battle with Anorexia nervosa, a debilitating disorder of the mind, body and soul. The most wonderful thing at that point in my mind was that I had found something that I felt I was truly good at, depriving myself of food. This euphoric feeling of control was overwhelming. A high I have never experienced before, the months ahead were difficult, my weight dropped dramatically and I was a cause of concern. “8 stone, if I get to 7 I will be happy, 7 stone if I get to 6 stone” I will be happy and so on. I will be happy, happiness always seemed to be out of reach. It went on and on but the sense of control I had over my life made me feel so good. Even though I was beginning to have no life at all, separated from my friends, taken out of school and endless trips to see doctors.
Control.
As you can imagine things hit many rock bottoms. I then spent many months in and out of hospital being referred which started a vicious cycle.. Upper court in one of the hospitals, the corridor of dreams where recovery was possible (apparently) there we were eight very anorexic girls all just trying to survive. “Why don’t you just eat, we love you, please get better” cries from family and friends. Anorexia is a selfish disease it does not consider anyone, it is just destructive and causes so much pain. My room was at the end of the corridor. I can remember every corner of it. I spent most of my day eating as one meal ran into another as I pushed everything around my plate and took a painstakingly long time to eat. My plants never survived very long as I would pour build up drinks into them so I could avoid drinking them, I even threw my croissant out of the window and watched a triumphant squirrel run across the grass with it. I made friends, common ground of being thin and especially with a girl named Fiona. Fiona was 4.5 stone and gravely ill. I considered myself overweight next to her (the ever competitive anorexic) We became friends, a cheerful respite. She was a wonderful person. Fiona died. I remember the shock of this, the sense of pain and the wasted life. Anorexia is clever, it makes you feel worthless, it plays on all your insecurities, your hopes and dreams. It promises you everything but actually leaves you with nothing. The days after Fiona died I remember making a choice to live and if I didn’t like what I found then I could always go back to the misery of starving myself to death. I am so happy I made that choice, I am so happy I had such a supportive family. I chose to live.
Great expectations.
The sound of the wood pigeons outside my window, the smell of straw through the streets. My time spent in Blanot, a village near Macon, deep in the heart of the Burgundy countryside in France. I was 16 when I went to help out at L'Etape as an escape from battling with my eating disorder (anorexics generally end up working with food) at this point though I was determined to get well. This was a pivotal moment in my recovery. I found cooking something I could do that made people happy and the kitchen was where I felt most at home. A new start from hospitals and treatment of a different language, culture and way of life. A bijou hotel restaurant which I grew to love. What I did not know at the time was that it was to become a platform of experience and skills for my future. Recovery had its ups and downs but slowly but surely I gained weight and maintained it, anorexia actually has nothing to do with weight loss. That is obviously the symptom but it is a deep feeling of inadequacy and self hate. Love and hate are two things so connected it is learning to turn that hate into love, and be kind to yourself. This takes time and practice after years of neglect, slowly but surely I have more respect for myself these days. I found a new confidence and returned to college and retook to my GCSE’s and A levels and oh I did really well (surprise, surprise) all that wasted energy and time of buying into that so called version of myself that was not good enough. I have moments where that frustrates me, but so much time has passed now and all that drives me to do now is say yes to every opportunity. When I was at my lowest point and weight the doctors would tell me that what I was doing was slow suicide, that I would never have children, my body would never recover. All or nothing as I mentioned earlier that is me and I did recover, I did have children and I am alive. Recovery from anorexia was slow, the illness that had consumed me where food was my greatest enemy that has become my greatest passion through choice, support and determination.
My Children.
A note to my children you amaze and inspire me every day. I hope I have shown how important it is to be kind and show love to others and always give a big dose to yourself. I am so proud of the young adults you have become and how you take life in your stride.
An extract from Sea & Shore “COOKING and my kitchen is where I feel most at home, a comforting place, where all things seem possible and everyone eventually comes together. The kitchen is part of all the excitement of seeing family and friends, of celebrating surprise birthdays and anniversaries over the years, of Sunday lunches, summer holidays and Christmases. Whether I was scraping the leftovers from the cake bowl, making meringues or melting chocolate, there was always something to do and feel part of a sense of belonging. Joyful and definitely a reason to smile. I cook with the ebb and the flow of the seasons, I know where I am then. There is something grounding and reassuring about each changing season. I could not tell you which season is my favourite, but the promise of each one brings its own excitement, evokes different memories and brings different produce into my kitchen. Even on the tougher days which we all have, I challenge you to look for the simplicity of life to lift your mood. Hot buttered toast, café with a friend, listening to the birds in full chorus, reading that book, baking a cake and always putting the kettle on for that mug of tea. I firmly believe cooking is one of the most loving of all human skills. Happiness right there”
I am so lucky to have made a career out of finding my place kitchen side. Competitive by nature and always pushing for more it has taken time and hard work to build up my business, brand and name in Cornwall. Quietly consistent I have a successful restaurant by the sea, Emily Scott Food www.emilyscottfood.com I work with a brilliant team of people. I get to do what I love every day. I have had many amazing opportunities including cooking and styling the G7 summit dinner held at The Eden Project last June. Hosting the reception for the Queen and royal family and leaders of the western world was quite a highlight for me and my team. A moment in time. Opening my new restaurant at Watergate Bay, putting my name to the restaurant. Opportunities of Tv have come my way, where all you can be is yourself. Note always be yourself.
Writing has become one of my passions and having my first cookbook published in 2021 was a dream come true. My debut cookbook Sea & Shore recipes and stories from a kitchen in Cornwall published by Hardie Grant ( my kitchen) a sense of me and what I think and feel. I have just finished writing my second cookbook and could not be happier. I love the process of finding the right words to write onto paper. Bringing a place and the people to life.
An extract from Sea & Shore “CORNWALL is where I found my home and my heart, my soulmate, where my children have been lucky enough to spend carefree days by the sea, messing around on boats in Port Isaac harbour, whiling away the hours fishing for shrimps and crabs in the rock pools, walking down to the wall and looking out towards the ever changing ocean beyond. I have over the years with time spent in Cornwall, Provence, Burgundy and Bordeaux developed my passion for simple, seasonal cooking with beautiful ingredients. This cookbook brings together that love and that world. Cornwall is certainly the cherry on the top of the cake to where I feel at home and to the food I love to cook and share. I am often asked how I cook, I like to use few ingredients and let them shine. Less really is more on my plate”
Failure.
Let’s talk about failure or not feeling good enough, with recovery has come life and all that brings, over the years I have struggled with self doubt and imposter syndrome, never believing in myself and constantly thinking the worst. I have failed in marriage, in business in many things actually but if I turn that around those failures have actually become my successes they have given me the tools to believe in myself and not listen to that inner voice of negativity. It is having the ability to just keep going whatever life throws at you. It is not always about being the best, it is about having a go and being kind to yourself and others. This is what I have learnt: nothing is ever that bad, things can always be talked through and sorted out. Be brave, be bold. I have always told my children life is hard and you will not feel happy all the time. Emotions are like waves like the turn of the tide. Some days are better than others, allowing yourself to feel whatever you feel and relax is essential. I am learning to respond instead of reacting, work in progress but simple tools like that help the everyday. You are enough and I firmly believe that is happiness right there. Emily X
Ps I have baked you a cake.
Emily Scott
You will find me @emilyscottfood - My restaurant at Watergate Bay Emily Scott Food www.emilyscottfood.com
My debut cookbook Sea & Shore is published by Hardie Grant is out now and Time & Tide is published on July 6th 2023
Support for Eating Disorders | Helpline 0808 801 0677 | Beat Support
A note on being yourself.
I think it is very natural as a person or as myself as a woman to want to be liked by other people in love, life and every sense. For years I have often found myself slightly losing myself in a situation to fit in or be liked. I am not unique. We all do this; it is almost human nature. I am now more mindful about who I am and what I do in that way. I mean thinking before I speak, knowing my opinion matters, feeling good about myself, being kind, focusing on the positives and not sabotaging myself because of that insecure girl that occasionally likes to have her say. My career has taken time and hard work to build and being a female chef in a very male dominated industry it has felt harder in some ways to keep moving forward sometimes. Those are the moments that I have stuck to my ethos and what works for me, what I think and feel. A sense of being in competition with myself and not comparing and despairing. Wasted years in my anorexic state now frustrates me as if I had only believed in myself more. Perhaps though life has a plan and you have to go through tough times to appreciate better times. Energy can be so easily wasted that could be spent on being creative and happy.
Knowing you are enough is enough. Ex
what a beautiful post. It is so good to discover you here. I cannot remember how I chanced upon your cookbook sometime last year, but it called to me .. something very appealing about the moors of Cornwall and a kitchen in the midst to someone across the world in Sydney, Australia. I bought your book and it is honestly one of the most joyful books I return to amidst my collection of 1300 cookbooks strong :)
What a brave and generous post, thank you x